DJC#005 – Guilty Dad Charged: Actions of Regret and Reflection

Lose Yourself

Depending on how long you’ve been a Dad, this may or may not have happened to you, and it if it hasn’t yet, there’s a good change it will some day. What’s that it I’m referring to? I’m talking about losing yourself in a sleep-deprived-I-don’t-know-what-day-it-is-Linkin-Park-style-screaming-outburst.

We want the best Dad and strive to be the best Dad, but sometimes we just aren’t ourselves. Or maybe that is a part of who we are and it’s the wakeup call we need telling us it’s time to work on some things. Maybe it’s a little of both.

As a Dad, I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, but I can think back to three situations where I was no where near the Dad I wanted to be for our son. Three situations that I am not proud of, and deeply regret. My saddest moments as a Dad.

Shut Up

I yelled those words to him as he cried and whined in the back seat. He was 2 or 3 years old. I was tired and stressed out from work, from life and I was driving. I couldn’t take any more of the crying and whining. I saw red, and I snapped.

Let me tell you, that did not help one bit. My words, my tone, and the volume of my voice instantly made things worse. More crying. Louder crying. Not only did I not help him, but I scared him. I saw it in his eyes and immediately felt like crap.

That’s not how we talk in our family, and he knew that because we had taught him. But there goes his old man saying those words. To him, at his age, that was a bad word. After we got home, I knew I had to make things right so I sat down with our son and apologized for what I had said and for raising my voice. As I hugged him tight apologizing and telling him how much I loved him, my eyes filled with tears. I was ashamed of my behavior, and I promised him I wouldn’t do that again…but unknowing I had just lied to him. Man.

Guilty

There was another crying driving incident that went similar to the first one…maybe a tad less yelling, but what did that even matter. I had done it again. Damn.

And completing the trilogy was the time I was dropping him off at preschool and he refused to get out of the car. All I could think about was how he was whining and complaining and how I was going to be late for a work appointment. Slamming the door, driving around the block like a maniac somehow thinking that would solve everything was the worst idea possible. I completely ignored how and what he was feeling because I was so focused on not letting down work, that I let down our son. Guilty.

Memories Live

Since those incidents, our son has reminded me a couple times about my epic Dad fails. And each time he’s brought it up, I’ve acknowledged my mistakes again and how I’ve worked on not doing that anymore. I’ve worked on myself. You see it wasn’t just the stress of being a Dad that was my kryptonite in those moments, it was that I couldn’t handle stress period. These memories are still painful for me to recall, but I know those mistakes have made me a better Dad because I have learned from those situations.

As Dads, we have a responsibility to be role models for our children. We need to show them what it means to be kind, patient, and understanding. And when we make mistakes, as we all do, we need to be willing to admit them and make amends. Our children will remember these moments, and they will shape who they become. They are always watching and learning from us. Let’s do our best to be the kind of Dads that they can look up to and be proud of.

With that said, if you find yourself in similar situations, it’s okay. It’s okay to be disappointed in yourself. That means you care and have recognized your mistakes. What’s not okay is to shame yourself because that won’t allow you to move forward. Give yourself some grace. Get that dirt off your shoulder. This Dad life is hard. Look within and reflect upon who you are and who you want to become – as a Dad and as a person – because that’s the only way to progress.

Journaling has helped me a lot. So has practicing gratitude. The walks and runs around the neighborhood and my new practice of meditation has helped as well. Try one of those or find something else that works for you. To be the best Dad, you have to be the best you. So as you continue on your Dad journey, don’t forget to care for yourself too. So when the next crying-in-the-back-seat-incident occurs, you’re ready to handle it. Take a deep breath. You got this.