DJC#014 – Father’s Day: Generational Fatherhood And Your Role

Today is the day we celebrate the patriarch of the family. As much as this is told to us through the history books and mainstream media, we all know most mothers run the show and hold down the household (my wife and mother included!). However, as generations evolve, more and more Dads are becoming more of the actual “family man” than just that dude flipping burgers on the grill and playing catch with their children.

That is what I want to celebrate today – the evolution of the Dad.

Dad We Had

By all accounts, we Dads still have a lot of learning and work to put into this whole fatherhood thing. We learn from what we know and who we know. The experience and the connection you had with your Dad was different than mine. Good, bad or somewhere in between, that experience shaped you into the Dad you are today.

We decide what we liked about how our Dad interacted with us as a child. Was he easy going? Was he loving? Was he strict? Was he fair? Was he a fearful man that kept your from stepping out of line? Was he in and out of the house so much that you wondered if he actually lived there? Was he there and then one day he was just gone? Was he ever there to begin with?

What did your Dad teach you? What didn’t he teach you? What lessons of life are you passing on to your children? And ultimately, maybe the most important question is, What do you not want to pass on to your child?

Dad To Be

What kind of Dad do I want to be? Have you ever asked yourself this? At some point you have probably thought about this. By doing so you might look back at how your Dad parented you (or maybe it was your grandfather, uncle or other father-figure in your life) and graded him. Maybe your Dad got an A in telling jokes, but a D is emotional support.

I think this is normal to grade or judge someone who walked in your shoes before you did – fair or not. I think that for most of the Dads out there, they were doing their best they could with what they knew. You don’t know what you don’t know, right? I mean there weren’t Dad blogs and Instagram accounts to share best Dad practices back then.

The Dads of previous generations weren’t taught to be emotionally supportive and likely weren’t shown it either from their Dads. The my way or the highway used to be in full swing…and it still is for some, but now it is much more acceptable in society for Dads (and boys/men in general) to express our feelings…or dare I even say…cry. A generation or two ago, crying might have got you talked down to, called names or even a whoopin’. Now we are becoming more tolerant and accepting that we all have feeling and emotions that we need to let out and express. In fact we’re now told it’s imperative that we do this because when we keep them bottled in, the consequences can be grim.

Don’t Pass It On

There are many things in life that we want to pass on to our children as a Dad. There are also many things we should be aware of and do whatever we can to not pass them on. The thing is many traits we are passing down within our family from generation to generation in a never-ending cycle that will continue on with our lineage well after we’re gone. Whether that be not communicating with each other, suppressing your feelings, violence, abuse, etc.

It could even be something not that extreme. Maybe it’s how you think, which is how your Dad thought and his Dad thought and so on. Imagine being able to change from being a family who is pessimistic to one that’s optimistic? What if you went from being a family that doesn’t exercise to one that is active and goes on hikes regularly? You have that power.

Remember, that this doesn’t just have to be with your child because guess what? If you haven’t figured this out yet – your child is watching everything you do. They’re picking up on all of the cues and all of the habits. So maybe you’re great with your child, but you’re rude when talking to the staff at restaurants. Where’s my drink?! Shouldn’t you have brought my food out by now? They might realize that’s not how they should be, but more than likely they’ll see this as acceptable behavior. Maybe your Dad observed his Dad this way…and so the cycle continues.

As a Dad today, it’s your job to be the filter between the generations and block anything that should not transfer to your child and letting through what should transfer to them. No pressure. I mean with great power comes great responsibility, right?

Ask Around & Write It Down

If you’re still wondering what kind of Dad do I want to be, or maybe you’re reassessing how you are currently Dadding, ask around. Ask your friends and people you meet if they had a great Dad or knew of someone in their life who is a great Dad…and most importantly what made that person a great Dad. You’ll get some good ideas and start connecting the dots of similar characteristics that can help you on your Dad journey.

As always, don’t forgot to write this down in your journal so you can remember and revisit it from time to time. Constantly revisit and reassess as you experiment with different Dad techniques that not only work well for you, but also work well with your child. If you have more than one child, you might need to customize your technique for each child.

Dad

On the day we celebrate you, think about the Dad you are and the Dad you want to be. Reflect on yourself, your Dad and grandfather to notice if there are any similarities in behaviors in all of you that you do not want to pass on to your child? If so, then it’s on you to make a change so that it does not continue to the next generation of your family. Ask around about other Dads and what makes them great. Take some time to yourself – some actual real time to yourself – and think about what kind of person and Dad that you want to be and how you’re going to become that person. Write it in your journal and check in from time to time to see how you’re doing and where you need to make adjustments.

And make sure to thank your Dad if you’re able to. For better or worse, he taught you things that you now use with your child, or things that you realize that shouldn’t be passed on. For most of us, our Dad was doing his best with the tools he had at the time.

So Happy Father’s Day to all you Dads who are putting in the time and work to becoming a better Dad. And don’t forget to thank your Dad because one way or another you wouldn’t be here without him!

So here I go. Thank you Dad for everything you have taught me – the good stuff…and the not so good stuff. It’s shaped me into the man I am today, and it’s shaped me into the Dad I am today. I appreciate you. I love you.